My First Love
The Story Behind the EP “Stranger”, by Nick Catoire
As far back as I can remember, I knew I was gay. Whenever I had a crush on one of the characters in a movie, it was always the guy.
In my Louisiana high school, I watched everyone around me date. No one else in my school was gay. There was one guy who wanted to experiment, but said if I told anyone, he’d deny it, and get his friends to beat me up.
My friend and her boyfriend were constantly breaking up and getting back together. I remember sitting in her car while she cried, sobbing about how much of an asshole he was. I was always her shoulder to cry on, but every time, I wondered what it would be like.
Would I ever be in a relationship? Something with highs and lows, arguments and joy, break ups and make ups?
That day in her car was the day I finally broke down. I started crying, and told her I wish I could understand what she was going through. I wish I could be her. There was no one else like me, and I would probably never be in a relationship at all.
She told me, “Of course you will. You just have to graduate and get out of this town.”
As soon as I could, I moved to NYC.
Only two weeks in, I met a guy at a party. There was an instant spark between us, and I felt it the first time he looked at me. We spent the whole night together, and ended up at his place.
The next morning he told me that he’d never been with a guy before.
I was surprised and pretty nervous about it, but he said he wanted to keep seeing me.
A second night turned into a fourth and fifth, and before I knew it, I was spending every night at his house. He introduced me to all his friends, and even took me to dinner with his mother.
This was the first time I felt such a strong connection to someone. But I felt like things were moving a little fast. So I told him.
“I don’t want to slow down. I want you to stay over every night from now on.” He then cleared out one of his drawers and told me it was mine.
It stopped me in my tracks. I looked into his eyes, and I felt lighter. Something changed inside me. It felt real.
For so many years, I thought something like this could never be possible for me, but now, here it was.
I finally let my guard down and let it happen. My first love.
The next six months were some of the best in my life. I finally felt accepted and complete. The isolation was gone, and I felt so dumb that, for so many years, I told myself I would never find this. It felt so good to prove myself wrong.
Then, everything changed. To this day, I’m not really sure exactly what happened.
His older brother came to town and I did my best to make a good impression, but it was a weird week. A few days later he told me he wanted to go back to being friends. It completely blindsided me. I asked for a reason, but he didn’t give me one.
Soon after, he got back together with his ex-girlfriend. It didn’t feel real until we ended up at the same New Years party, and I watched them kiss at midnight. I was lost and confused.
I held my head up and pushed through it, but I’ve never really healed from that. And I’m right back to wondering if I’ll ever be able to find someone.
